


synonym to hypocrite

by reversus



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Implied Relationships, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 19:29:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11630349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reversus/pseuds/reversus
Summary: After nearly a lifetime, Todd thinks he finally knows what happiness feels like.





	synonym to hypocrite

**Author's Note:**

> title stolen from synonym and hypocrite @ sasanomaly

“I never had the disease” Todd admits “I lied about it.”  
The words roll out his tongue and his brain can’t stop them, too busy making Todd’s throat burn like he’s drowning in a tank full of acid to register Dirk sitting next to him and putting a hand on his knee.  
After nearly twenty years of faking it, Todd thinks he finally knows how a pararibulitis attack feels like.  
(“I don’t even relate to that person anymore” he adds, when his lungs allow him to breathe again, but it doesn’t taste right in his mouth. Dirk doesn’t comment.  
The sharkitten runs away and Todd’s grateful for the distraction.)

*

He’s going to tell Amanda. He’s definitely going to tell Amanda. Maybe, someday. Sometime in the remote future, if the men of the machine don’t kill them first, that’s it. (Which, all things considered, is a rather likely outcome and not even the worst one by a long shot.)  
Dirk, for all his not-a-psychic bullshit, seems to catch on it, and shoots Todd a look.  
It’s not an intimidating one in the slightest, too much tenderness behind it to strike fear, but thousand swords pierce Todd’s stomach all at once regardless.  
He laughs, but it comes out pained.  
Dirk looks at him, concern filling in the space between his brows, and Todd has to breath hard once, twice, before telling him to worry about the road instead.  
How many chances there are he’s gotten pararibulitis now?  
(He knows this doesn’t compare, the bare burn of the regret nothing compared to Amanda lying on the carpet and screaming and bleeding her lungs to death but still, maybe, if only -)  
The car stops abruptly in the middle of nowhere, and Dirk gets out unusually silent.  
Todd doesn’t care if he’s figured it out (not-mind-reader my ass) or if he just needed to pee. Whatever. Not his business.  
He leans outside the Jeep a little, barely poking his head over the car door, and lets the panic rise alongside the vomit up his throat.  
He feels awful.  
When Dirk gets back, after what seems like hours, he doesn’t even pretend he’s feeling alright.  
“You don’t have to prove me wrong you know?” Dirk tells him “the fact that you are an asshole. I won’t buy it anyway. I know you are not that person anymore.” and his hand leaves the steering wheel to land on Todd’s knee, just like it did before.  
Todd wants to tell him to go away, to leave him alone  
Instead he puts his own hand over Dirk’s and leaves it there for the whole ride home.

“I’m going to tell her.”

*

“I never had pararibulitis”  
It snowballs spectacularly, his kingdom of lies falling down, one by one, and it feels like a deja-vu.  
For the first time in almost twenty years, Todd takes responsibility for his actions.

It makes him reconsider being electrocuted by a creepy cult follower.

*

It takes Todd more than a while to piece things together. The master key and the lottery ticket and -  
He could say “You knew my sister was going to hate me.”  
He could say “You knew we couldn’t fix it”

  
“You are a monster” he states instead, as a matter of fact. “You are a monster”  
It feels like a deja-vu, the words coming before he can stop them, the burning sensation down his throat.  
“It was not a lie, you should know what a lie looks like by now” but Dirk’s rebuttal lacks the bite.  
He could have said “Maybe if you weren’t such an asshole your sister wouldn’t have left you”  
He could have said “Now you know how Amanda felt being lied for the better part of her life”  
“I’m sorry I- I didn’t mean - I didn’t mean it” he mutters instead, because Dirk really regrets it, because apparently Dirk Gently is the better man of the two of them even when he’s the one who’s been deliberately hiding facts and vital pieces of informations just to keep his act together. Just to keep someone close to him.  
“After this is over, don’t ever talk to me again”  
He means everything and yet he does not, but it doesn’t matter because Dirk isn’t looking at him and Todd can work with being ignored, has been practicing it since the Amanda fiasco.  
(He’s not very good at it, admittedly, but it’s not like Dirk is better.)

*

Dirk gets shot. Dirk gets shot and Todd puts himself between the men of the machine and him because they can’t afford to lose him now, not when they are this close.  
He gets electrocuted again, because of course he is, and the world turns black.

When he opens his eyes again, he’s in a cage with Farah and Dirk, who’s got an arrow stuck in his shoulder and a very pale face.  
Todd’s glad he’s got Farah, at least he can talk to her, at least Farah’s hasn’t lied to him the whole fucking time.  
(He’s lied to her the whole fucking time, but that’s not the point.)

“The door you knocked on the night you got kidnapped - it was mine” Todd admits because, hell, if he’s going to die at least he’s going to be the better man, because at least he’s admitting his faults, unlike Dirk who would have kept the whole facade going and maybe told him years later down the road.  
Farah raises an eyebrow, too busy trying to escape to even be mad at him. “I knew. I mean, after knowing you I understood very well why that door wouldn’t open ” her smile feels genuine, if a bit tired “no need to beat yourself up.”  
“See - I didn’t lie anymore than you did to Farah“ and the words are already coming out slurried and Todd worries how long before the blood loss takes its toll, before the cut will start infecting, how long before Dirk goes and leaves them to sort this mess on their own.  
They should have gone back to fucking Far West.  
He could say “I’m sorry”  
He could say a lot of things, but none would matter anyway. And besides, he’s still mad.  
(Fuck Dirk. Fuck himself. Fuck everything. He hates everything about this right now.)  
He keeps quiet and they save Lydia and maybe Dirk almost dies and maybe he does too, when they are on the ambulance and Dirk doesn’t squeeze his hand back.

*

Todd’s never been one for crying but he can feel the tears poking behind his eyes. Dirk is safe and sound and there are a few scratches on his faces that could use pink band aids, but otherwise he looks fine.  
“What are you doing here?” Dirk mutters and his tone is suspicious, like he thinks Todd must have ulterior motive to be standing in front of the hospital, like he can’t be there for him.  
Todd feels like he’s burning, acid in his lungs, his throat, his brain, the realization that Dirk might not want him back in his life hitting him, making the bile rise in his stomach.  
He gets the jacket out of his bag without thinking, the Mexican Funeral t-shirt too, almost throws them at Dirk, a desperate attempt at normality. “I don’t have many left, try to not get shot in that one.”  
He’s always been good at pretending, but his pleading expression is giving him away. Still, maybe, it will be enough.  
It isn’t.  
“Sorry but I don’t understand” Dirk says and Todd doesn’t know how to breathe anymore “Why are you here? What do you want?”  
There are thousand things Todd could say  
“Because I’m sorry and I didn’t mean to -”  
“Because Farah understood why I lied to her and I’ve come to realize that maybe I should have understood your motives too-”  
“Because I took control of my life like you said I should.”  
Instead he says “Because I’m your friend” and it’s not quite an apology, not yet, but it’s the right thing.  
Dirk ponders it, a moment, then two and Todd might just puke and drown in his vomit right there if Dirk walks away without him.  
But Dirk smiles, and Todd starts breathing again.

 

After nearly twenty years of faking pararibulitis, Todd thinks he knows how it feels to take the pills, to stop drowning.  
“Let’s go, Farah wants to meet us.”

 

*

Dirk insists they stop by a telephone box to get changed because _Todd, you have no idea how uncomfortable this shirt is! It itches!_ and Todd has to step in with him because Dirk’s shoulder is still bandaged and there’s no way he can raise it above his head.  
That’s how Todd finds him charged with the incredibly difficult task of undressing Dirk, actual beanpole, and dressing him again.  
Dirk eventually starts laughing, because admittedly the whole situation is kind of surreal, and his laughter must be infectious because Todd starts giggling too.  
They end up being twenty minutes late to their meeting.

 

“I needed my transformation, like Superman!”  
“Superman doesn’t need someone to dress him, though.”  
“Oh, Todd, don’t sweat the details. Also, I’m thinking about promoting you. You did a nice job back there.”  
Farah raises a brow, but otherwise doesn’t comment. It’s good.  


(He gets promoted to ward, which is like, the opposite of being promoted, but it figures it's Dirk's way of asking him to take care of him. Todd doesn't mind.)  


After nearly twenty years of being manhandled by the universe, Todd finally feels good.  
He’s not making choices out of desperation anymore, he’s got friends, a stable job (even if he’s not sure how Dirk will pay him, because he's pretty sure Thor doesn't pay in American dollars bills, but that’s another matter.) and an occasion to fix everything he’s fucked up along the way.  


After nearly a lifetime, Todd thinks he finally knows what happiness feels like.

*

After nearly twenty years of faking it, Todd finally knows how a pararibulitis attack feels like.  
It still doesn’t hold a candle to Farah telling him Dirk’s gone.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Anyway how come Dirk is wearing the Mexican Funeral shirt and the yellow jacket in the bar scene, did they stop by his house? Did he get changed in a telephone box? I need answers.  
> 


End file.
